Nancy is upset and I don't know why. I mean, she gave a bullet point rundown of the basic reasons, but I don't know why she's angry-upset. I have no real idea of what her life is like right now and I don't know her very well. Maybe she made a mistake. Maybe she did something right and it hurt. Maybe she didn't do anything at all. I don't know.
But I do know that she sounds angry-upset in the way that happens when you hurt inside. When you try as hard as you know how, but it just doesn't seem to make a difference when the tidal wave comes down and everything you built gets swept away. It's the kind of upset when you feel powerless and stuck, but you don't want to ask for a rescue mission. You wouldn't want anyone to bother.
And I identify with that feeling very, very well. I'm familiar with it. For vastly different reasons than the ones Nancy has, I'm sure, but the fact remains that I relate. And I think what kills me most about feeling like this is that I come face to face with my biggest fear: The Expectations of People I Love.
I get so scared. so so scared. I'm scared to let them down, but I'm also scared of making them proud. In my twisted line of thought, the only thing success accomplishes is a higher standard that I have to deal with on a daily basis. A bigger hole through which to fall next time.
Maybe you're not like that, Nancy. Maybe that thought doesn't keep you from becoming the woman you'd love to be. But it does for me, and just in case it does for you, I thought I'd let you in on my personal therapy.
I talk truth to myself. I look in the mirror and take a deep breath and I tell myself what I see. Sometimes I have to work through the lies one by one, and sometimes I can only cling to one bit of truth after ten minutes of standing there feeling like an idiot, but it always diffuses that drowning sensation.
So, even though I am not a close friend or a mentor or a sister... Nancy, this is what I see.
I see a student. Good or bad or doing okay, always a student. Someone who IS learning. Someone who is investing time, money, and effort into their future--whether it turns out as planned or not.
I see a girl. Not quite a woman, not a child, and that is a place we all have to sit and rest in for awhile. I'm not sure if I'm out of it or not, ha, but I think that is where you are right now.
I see a writer. Yes. A Writer. I know you do and that makes it true. A writer because you write.
I see a friend. Varying degrees, and that's okay--healthy, even. Can't be everybody's best friend. Probably only enough of you to give to one, maybe two best friends. And maybe you haven't met that person yet. But I know you reach out to people, I know you care, you can't pretend you don't, as much as a relief as that would be sometimes... (that's how I feel anyway)
I see a girlfriend, because you brought Clayton into our quirky community here. :p That's love, haha.
I see a mind. An intelligent, very real, quick mind. A mind that is meant to solve problems, even if that has to start with only your own at first.
I see a soul. Always there, holding the very essence of who you are, waiting to flourish into a bright flame. (Sorry for the excessive metaphors.)
I see someone who is lively enough that a random person like me can see you'd be fun to chill with. I see someone who is creative enough that a random person like me can see you would always be the bright spot in a conversation. I see someone who is intelligent enough that a random person like me can see that you would never allow your life to be boring. I see someone who cares enough that a random person like me can see you would be a loyal and giving friend.
I don't see perfection, I don't see completion, I don't see poise (ha, sorry if that last one made you sad
). I see someone like me. Someone approachable. Someone I disagree with on fundamental points and like very much. Someone quite undeniably
REAL.
That's what I see, Nancy.
What do you see?
~V
